Healing

It’s been a long time since I’ve updated, and we’ve been through a lot as a family.

Birth Story:

I woke up at 3:27 am with contractions.  I pulled out my phone and started timing contractions.  I didn’t wake my husband because I wasn’t convinced I would be giving birth anytime soon.  By 6 the contractions were coming every 7-8 minutes.  My husband was up getting ready so I decided to take a shower.  While in the shower, my husband decided to start timing my contractions because he said I was moaning pretty close to 5 minutes apart.  As I showered, the contractions started coming every 2-3 minutes.  I was told at my previous appointment that I should call when they were 5 minutes apart, lasting longer than 1 minute, for at least an hour.  By the time an hour had passed, I they went back to 8 minutes apart.  I called the doctor and they told me to lay down drink some water and take it easy.  Things continued every 6-8 minutes for the rest of the day.  My husband decided to stay home just in case, but at this point I still wasn’t convinced I’d be having him anytime soon.  At around 7 pm the contractions started to get pretty intense.  They were 5-6 minutes apart but they were lasting about 90 seconds.  I called the doctor around 8 and was told to go ahead and come in.

We left around 9 and we made it to the hospital around 9:30.  We made it to the delivery floor and a nurse checked me.  She asked me if I had dialated any at my last appointment and I let her know I was 1 cm a few days before.  She then told me I was 2 cm (she later told me I was really only 1 cm, but she didn’t want to discourage me as I seemed to be in a lot of pain).  I was so upset to hear 2 cm.  After being in pain all day I had made no progress.  When she saw my disappoinment she let me know that I was completely effaced so the pain wasn’t in vain.  She decided to have the on call doctor check on me and see if I needed to be admitted.  So we waited about 30 minutes for the doctor and the contractions kept coming.  At this point they were coming every 2 minutes and they were really intense.  I didn’t know how much longer I could make it if I had gone all day and only made it to 2 cm.  When the doctor finally came in, she checked me and I was 4.5 – 5 cm.  So we were definitely making progress to go 2.5-3 cm in 30 minutes.  So I was admitted and we waited things out.  After another 90 minutes, I couldn’t take it and asked for the epidural.  I got the epidural about 10 minutes after I asked for it.  The doctor checked me again and I was 8 cm.  So things were going quickly and at this point I was just hoping that the epidural wouldn’t slow things down.  That’s when things started to change.

My son’s heart rate was dropping with each contraction.  They had me roll to my left side, then my right side, then all fours.  His heart rate dropped to 50 something and by now there were a ton of nurses in the room.  The doctor came in and either broke my bag of waters or my bag of waters broke on its own.  The doctor informed me that there was meconium in the amniotic fluid so that plus the lower heart rate meant I should probably prepare for a c-section.  She checked again and I was 10 cm and ready to push.  I was allowed to push for about 15 minutes or so and then they made the decision to do a c-section.  At this point I was so worried about my son that I didn’t care how he got here.

They wheeled me into the operating room and by now I’m shaking uncontrollably.  My husband comes in and I feel the tugging.  At 1:50 am they pull him out and I hear a faint cry.  Nothing loud at all.  Poor thing sounded like he had been through a lot.  They quickly showed him to me and rushed him out of the room.  My husband went with them and I was left shaking on the tabling praying that God would take care of my baby.  My husband came in the room and told me our son was fine and that he’d be in the recovery room with us and I could start breastfeeding right away.

E’s First Days:

At some point I was told that his breathing wasn’t normal so he would be in the NICU for a few hours.  I wake up from recovery and they wheel me to see my baby.  He had an oxygen dome over his head but I could tell he was the same baby I got a glimpse of while I was on the operating table.  I was wheeled to my room and went back to sleep.  I woke up a few hours later and we went straight to the NICU.  I was convinced that he was okay and the hospital was just trying to get more money.  I got to breastfeed him and almost everything was great, but his breathing was still irregular.  They decided to admit him for the night.

The next morning we went to the NICU so I could feed him again.  While I was holding him skin to skin he started jerking.  I thought he had the hiccups but he kept doing it.  We decided to ask the nurse if these were hiccups because something about it didn’t feel right to me.  I didn’t know it at the time, but that was the Holy Spirit.  That’s when the nurse told us he appeared to be having a seizure.  The episode soon ended but I was distraught.  Doctors were soon next to us and he started having another ‘episode’.  The doctor confirmed that it looked like a seizure.

After many tests, we learned that he was having small strokes and seizures.  He had a very large clot in his liver that broke apart and went to his brain.  He had lots of small areas of brain damage and we would basically have to wait and see how things turn out.  For the next two weeks I prayed like I’ve never prayed before, and after a few days I made the choice to believe for E’s complete and total healing.  He spent a total of 2 weeks in the NICU and was finally able to come home.  He had to get a shot of blood thinners twice a day and seizure medication 4 times a day.

Three Months Old:

Here we are now.  E is 3 and a half months old, and all appears normal.  His brain is healing though there is still scar tissue from the strokes.  His last two EEGs have been normal and his blood work has been basically normal.  The final word from the hematologist is that he may have had acquired dyfibrogenemia from the trauma of birth, but we probably won’t know definitively what happened.  I know what happened though.  God healed our baby.

Thoughts:

I really wanted a natural birth.  I didn’t want to have any medication and I didn’t want a c-section.  I had a plan, but God had another plan.  If we would have had a birth at the birth center that I wanted to, we would have been at home when he had his first seizure.  If I wouldn’t have had a vaginal birth, he may been in the recovery room with me when he had his first seizure.  If we wouldn’t have asked the nurse if he was having hiccups, who knows how long he would have gone before someone told us he was having a seizure.  If we were at home or alone in the recovery room, we may have just rationalized it as normal newborn behavior.  No use living in the what ifs though.

I thought our testimony would end with us finally getting pregnant.  That first pregnancy was not successful.  Then I thought our testimony would end with us having a successful pregnancy.  Now I see that I need to quit looking for the testimony to be over so I can breath a sigh of relief.  I must keep the faith.  I must not get complacent or take any of this for granted.  God has given us a wonderful blessing and it has taught us more about God’s grace, mercy and love than anything else I’ve ever experienced in life.

He's Here

Our son is here!  He was born on May 21, 2013 at 1:50 am.  All praises to God!

Anatomy Scan

We had our anatomy scan today.  I have been waiting on this day for exactly 8 weeks.  I can’t even begin to explain how nervous I was about this scan.  At 20 weeks and 5 days, I still had yet to feel definitive movements.  I have read all over the internet about women feeling their babies moving at 17 weeks and by 20 weeks they are talking about their baby doing karate and seemingly never keeping still.  I was nervous there were something wrong.  When I would get too worried I would remember to give it to God.  Sometimes that’s so much easier said than done.

Well, our appointment time finally came.  I went to the front desk to check in and the receptionist asks has anything changed with my insurance and she tells me she’ll need to see my insurance card since it’s a new year.  I hand over my insurance card and she tells me to have a seat.  My husband and I sit down and wait.  Two other women come in and seem to check in with no problems.  I whisper to my husband, I hope nothing is wrong with my insurance.  He assures me that there’s no problem.  I then start to worry about whether or not I accidentally opted out of medical insurance when I completed my benefits form at work.  The receptionist then asks me am I sure there have been no changes to my insurance.  I tell her that I didn’t get a new card or anything and ask if there is something wrong.  She says the lady is still calling and tells me to go ahead to the radiology area and she will have the lady keep trying.  So of course I’m freaking out now.  I really need insurance.  I start wondering if maybe there was a problem with the system at the dr’s office.  So I decide to log in from my phone and view everything.  I look at the app and it says that ultrasounds will be $200.  $200!  What in the world.  We are on a budget.  I didn’t plan for $200 for an ultrasound.  Then I start to think okay, maybe the app is just showing out of pocket costs for those without insurance.  So I decide to look at other services and they only show a $20 co-pay.  So of course by this time I’m panicking.  I can call my insurance but something tells me this is an issue I will need to have cleared with my job.  It’s Friday and I won’t be able to talk to my job about it until Monday.  That means I’ll have all weekend to worry about this.

Then the technician calls me to the back.  I get undressed (I was so hoping I wouldn’t have to do that for this appointment but I did.  As I put everything up and go to the waiting area, I  start to get a little excited about seeing out baby.  Then I think about the insurance and just get really irked.  This was supposed to be an appointment where I had my fears eased.  Now I just have new worries.  Then I remembered to give it to God.  This was a happy occasion for us to see our baby.  And learn if our baby really is a boy.  Sidenote:  We had an ultrasound a few weeks ago because I had persistent pain from fibroids.  The technician said it was a boy but she was never able to show me the potty shot.  So in the back of my mind I suspected that maybe she was wrong.  

The technician called me to the ultrasound room and we stopped to pick up my husband.  As we walk to the room, he grabs my hand and tells me everything is okay because he knows how I worry.  I lay down on the table and by then I really really really have to pee.  They told me to drink 20 oz of water 45 minutes before the appointment.  I had been drinking water all day, but 45 minutes before my check in time I downed 16 oz.  It’s now been an hour and I really have to go.  The technician explains to me that she has to take a bunch of measurements first and then she will let me see my baby.  I think to myself, well why can’t we just both watch together.  I’m anxious to see my baby!  So, she starts the ultrasound.  She tells me my bladder is really full and she’s just going to measure my cervix and then she’ll let me go relieve myself.  Whew!

So I come back and she starts looking at the baby.  The screen is turned away from me so I can’t see anything.  The technician is taking her measurements but she isn’t saying anything.  I close my eyes and pray.  Many would say that if there’s no heartbeat at this point it’s too late, but Jesus raised Lazarus so I know God can perform a miracle here.  I open my eyes and look at my husband he gives me the thumbs up so I breathe a sigh of relief.  Now I just want to see my baby.  After about 15 minutes of silence, the technician asks me what I think I’m having.  I tell her a boy based on my last ultrasound but I that I didn’t get to see.  After about another 3 or 4 minutes she turns the screen around for me to see.  And I can see clear as day that it’s a boy!!!  I was so happy.  While the previous technician was 95% sure, the auditor in me had to see it for myself.  And boy did he make sure I saw it.  

She left the room to write up the report and let the technician in training do some scanning.  It was amazing.  We got to see our son in there just chilling.  He didn’t move much, but we saw him wiggling in there.  We were trying to get a good profile shot.  His face was smushed up against the placenta so it was hard to get some contrast for a good profile shot.  Then I guess he had just had enough because he turned his back to us. LOL.  The technician had me roll over and we got to see his profile again and saw him chomping away on something. LOL.  It was the cutest thing ever (at least for us it was).  Then the technician went down so we could see his feet and toes and our little man pulled his leg back and let out one big kick!  I didn’t feel a thing.  I asked the technician where my placenta was and he let me know that it was an anterior placenta.  That explains why I wasn’t feeling any kicks.  What a sigh of relief!  *Whew*  

So, the tech-in-training went to see what was taking the other tech so long to write the report.  Then the worry started again.  I told my husband something must be wrong with him and that’s why she’s taking so long.  After another 10 minutes my husband pops his head out and another technician tells him we should just sit tight and they will let us know when we can leave. About 5 minutes later the tech-in-training tells us we are free to go.  

Now I’m sad again with worry.  What could be wrong with him?  Did God not hear our prayers.  What is He trying to show us here.  I can’t take another loss.  As I’m changing back into my clothes the technician tells me that my report should be ready in about a week and if they don’t call me I need to call them.  So, I tell her okay and she tells me congratulations.  Now, I’m extra panicked.  Why couldn’t she just tell me everything is okay?  Then she comes back and asks when am I meeting with my dr.  I let her know that I was heading straight over there, and she said okay that is good.

I tell my husband what happened and try to prepare  him for bad news.  He remains optimistic.  I so love this man!  I head over to the dr’s office but before I do I check in with the receptionist and make sure everything is okay with my insurance.  She assures me that everything checked out fine. Praise God!!!

The dr calls us in immediately and I go to pee and she takes my blood pressure and all the usual stuff.  We hear the heartbeat on the doppler.  He’s beating strong in the 150s.  I’m happy but still a little nervous.  Who am I kidding?  I was a lot nervous.  I saw the heart beating on the ultrasound hearing it on the doppler didn’t really ease any fears.  

Then the dr comes in.  She’s so cheerful.  She sits down and says so… are you excited about this big baby you’re going to have?  I was like huh?  She says, “Yes, your baby weighs 15 oz. and that’s over the 90th percentile.” Uh-oh.  He’s too big.  90th percentile?  They don’t even go higher than that.  What’s wrong with him?  I think she saw the worry in my eyes because the next thing she said was, “But his anatomy is perfect!”  Oh thank you Jesus!  Thank you God!  Thank you Holy Spirit!  She tells me to cut out the pasta, rice, bread and juice.  I’m okay to eat cereal in the morning so that I can get my calcium in but that’s it.  Only one bowl a day.  I can do that.

The rest of the appointment went smooth.  So I must cut out the carbs.  This is going to be hard, but anything for my son.   

Faith

It’s been a while since I’ve been written on this blog.  In my last post, I was anxious about the two week wait and I posted a song that helps remind me that He is all I need.  Well, three days after that post I decided to take a home pregnancy test.  I was about to start training for a 5K and the literature says you shouldn’t start an intense workout regimen when you’re pregnant.  This was going to be intense so I decided to test just in case.  I was only 9 days post ovulation and it was the afternoon so I wasn’t too hopeful.  I peed on the stick while my husband chatted with me from the bedroom.  Once I finished in the bathroom, I went to get my workout clothes.  Before I finished, I decided to go take a peek at the test and I saw a faint line.  I ran out and told my husband, “I think it’s positive.”  I had already warned him that it would probably be negative even if I was pregnant because it wasn’t first morning urine (when you supposedly have the highest concentrations of the pregnancy hormone in your system).  He just looked and said, “Okay.”  I felt like he didn’t believe me so I went back in and the line was a little darker. Still faint but darker.  I called him in there and explained to him that a line, no matter how faint or dark it is, means you’re pregnant.  I could tell he was excited but he was a little cautious considering our previous loss and the months after when I thought I was pregnant (got positive pregnancy tests) only to have my period come. 

I took more and more tests and they kept getting darker.  My husband finally started believing and so did I.  We praised God and remained excited about our new addition, coming May 2013.  I found out I was pregnant very early on.  In fact, I was only 3 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Most people don’t find out until 5 weeks or so.  So we were excited and I kept looking forward to the point where we passed 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  You see 5 weeks and 1 day is when I started spotting with my first pregnancy.  The pregnancy that turned out not to be.  So, I felt like if I could get past 5 weeks 1 day, then I had further proof that this was a viable pregnancy.

Guess what happened at 5 weeks 1 day.  That’s right… I started spotting.  I was devastated.  I was at work and I sent my husband a text and I’ll never forget his response.  “Noooooooooooo.”  My heart sank at that text.  While I was the one to witness the spotting, to see his reply helped make it all real for me.  The pain and heartache this would bring.  I then started telling myself okay everything’s okay maybe you’re just one of those women that will spot during pregnancy.  This soothed me for a while and then I went to the bathroom and the spotting had gotten worse.  I was devastated.  I didn’t think I could take another pregnancy loss.  It was too much to handle.  And two times in a row after we had been trying for so long.  This time I didn’t get angry with God.  I turned to Him like I hadn’t before.  I didn’t ask Him to save my baby.  I asked Him to make it okay with me and my husband.  I learned before that we can’t question why God allows certain things to happen.  We will just drive ourselves mad coming up with excuses that may or may not be the real reason.  So I didn’t want to pray for something God wasn’t going to allow to happen.

So this time I had faith, but I had a different kind of faith.  I had faith that God would get us through this.  I prayed for strength and I accepted that the pregnancy was not the blessing God had for us.  It sounds like I was not being a good Christian.  Shouldn’t I be praying that God save our baby?  Shouldn’t I be praying that our baby is in there doing just fine?  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I couldn’t get my hopes up again only to have them dashed at the ultrasound.  I could only trust that He would get us through it.

I went to the doctor and had blood work performed.  My levels were no longer doubling and were pretty close to the same numbers they were during my first pregnancy.  This further helped me to cope with the fact that this was not going to work out.  I went on with life waiting for my first ultrasound.  The spotting got worse and then tapered off.  It was minimal by the time my ultrasound date rolled around.

At 7 weeks and 1 day, exactly two weeks after the spotting started, I laid down on the ultrasound table preparing myself for the moment when the ultrasound technician looked at me and said, “I’m sorry.”  I waited and she rubbed the probe over my belly.  She was quiet.  I tried to peek at the screen, but saw nothing.  I sighed and began to try and deal with things on my own.  I didn’t seek God in a time when I needed Him most.  Then she turned the screen to me, and I remember thinking how cruel is this woman.  Why would she turn this screen to show me an empty womb? 

She said, “Okay, there’s your baby and if you look closely you can see the heartbeat.”  What?!  Heartbeat?  There’s a baby in there?  Oh my gosh.  I can’t believe it.  Actually I don’t believe it.  I looked and sure enough there it was.  I told myself, don’t get too excited plenty of women have seen a heartbeat only to be told later the baby didn’t make it.  She took the heart rate down.  I was expecting something in the 150s but it was only 129.  Uh-oh.  This isn’t good.  Everyone else’s heartbeat was 150s or higher at this point.  There’s something wrong.  I knew not to get my hopes up.  The tech told me it was difficult to see so she would get some better pictures with the transvaginal ultrasound. She did the transvaginal ultrasound and I could see the head and the body very clearly.  At that moment, I felt like things were going to be okay.  She measured the heart rate again and this time it was 146.  I felt much better about that. 

I got pictures and went to the waiting room to my husband.  I showed him the ultrasound and the first thing he said was, “Praise God!”  Praise God is right!  He has given us a precious gift.  We will forever praise Him.

Sometimes I beat myself up about how everything started.  How could I not believe God during the two weeks wait?  How could I not believe God to save our baby?  What kind of Christian am I?  What kind of mother will that make me?  I will not allow those thoughts to consume me.  I believe that sometimes the only faith God wants us to have is the faith that He will make the situation okay with us.  No matter how devastating that situation may be. 

I know the worst of the worrying is not over.  I won’t breathe a sigh of relief until I am holding my baby in my arms, but I also know that time will come with a whole new set of worries.  I know what this will teach me (and I hope someone  else that may be reading this blog).  This will teach me how to have faith in Him through it all.  His Word says that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that is the truth!

All I Need

I am officially in the two week wait, and my spirit is down. I don’t know if I’m subconsciously trying to protect myself from the hurt and pain of another negative pregnancy test. But I am reminded that no matter what the outcome is, God is here for me and He will protect my heart. So, I can have faith and rest assured that God completes me not a baby.

Here’s another song that helps me out when I’m in moods like this.

Envy

Envy, the green eyed monster. You’ve heard of it, and if you’ve been trying to conceive for as long as I have (17 months now) then you may have even felt it. It creeps up every now and then for me to. I would often just push those thoughts into the back of my mind. I didn’t pray about it because I was upset with God for not giving me the very thing I was longing for.

I have a confession to make. Last week at church I looked to the right of me and I noticed a woman walk in with a bunch of children. I felt a tinge of jealousy. I looked back up at the choir, but I couldn’t resist the urge to peek to my right again to see what her husband looked like. I didn’t see him. I looked back up at the choir. I peeked again. This time I looked at her left hand to see if she had a ring. Yes, I did. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I looked at her hand so I could judge her. I wanted to feel better than her because as she walked in with all those children, I felt inadequate. It was a reminder of my inability to conceive. I questioned God. *Eeeek* Can you believe I did that? I asked Him, “Why would you give this woman all these children and she’s not even married. She committing fornication, but you bless her. Why not me? Why not us? Don’t we deserve children, too?”

Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said this, “God is not limited in the number of children He can bring into this world. What do God’s blessings for this woman have to do with you?” I was immediately convicted. I judged this woman because I was envious of the children I assumed she had. I don’t know if those were even her children, what if she was married but didn’t wear a ring, what if they were adopted, what if they were foster children, what if she was married and the father passed away. How dare I judge that young woman. And so what if it was fornication exactly as I thought? I have sinned as well. Does that mean I’m not worthy of having children? Absolutely not, God has given us grace despite of who we are, and children are blessings from the Lord. I should be rejoicing with this woman for the blessings she had with her.

I repented and after feeling like a horrible Christian, I remembered that God has forgiven me, and His mercy has made me new. After all was said and done, I was comforted by those words the Holy Spirit spoke to me. “God is not limited in the number of children He can bring into this world.” Just because He has blessed someone else with a child, doesn’t mean He won’t bless me. He didn’t take my child and give it to someone else. He simply blessed them first. I was comforted by that, and at that point I really felt like I had conquered that green-eyed monster.

That is, until I went on the message board. *sigh* Everything was going great. My body was getting back on track, and I was enjoying my time on the message board. Then I saw a post, of a woman that had been trying to conceive for as long as I had. I remember her posts from when I first joined. And you guessed it… she was pregnant. Not only was she pregnant, but her betas were increasing and she heard the heart beat. The enviousness rose up quickly, and I quickly moved the cursor to close the thread. And then I was reminded of those Words the Holy Spirit spoke to me, “God is not limited in the number of children He can bring into this world”. Her blessing did not hinder mine. So, I rejoiced with my sister because God heard her cry and He answered her prayer. This was awesome for her. She had suffered loss like I did. She kept the faith and God answered her prayer. What an awesome testimony! I got out of myself and rejoiced for her and I used her story as a current day example of the awesomeness of God.

I realize now that while I may have to squash those feelings of enviousness from time to time; I can find hope in their stories and rejoice with them. God is still answering prayer right now, and I know that soon this will all be a part of my testimony as I watch my children grow up before my eyes.

Alwayness of God

Today I started my period.  I thought I was okay until I browsed Pinterest and saw a picture of a woman holding a baby.  I broke down.  It hurts, but I know it’s just not our time.  His timing is perfect, and I respect it. 

No matter how many times I face disappointment (lately it seems to be every 27 days), God is always there to comfort me.  I was reminded of a beautiful Yolanda Adam song called “Alwaysness” that brought me so much peace.  I’ve linked it below.  I hope it can bring anyone reading this peace.