To make a long story short, I grew up going to church. It wasn’t always willingly but I was there. I made Jesus my Lord and savior at an early age, and I faked things for several years. I didn’t feel close to God but I knew all the right things to say. I graduated college, got a job, and got married. Everything was was moving along until we had problems getting pregnant. After several tests, one minor surgery, and 11 months of trying to conceive we became pregnant. I truly believed God for that baby. I stood on Exodus 23:26; and was confident that the pregnancy would continue for nine months, and in November of 2012, I would be holding my bundle of you.
The pregnancy failed at just shy of 10 weeks. I was depressed. I was angry with God, and I began to loose faith in Him. Since I couldn’t understand how a God who supposedly love us could allow something like that to happen after I faithfully prayed for it every day, I quit talking to God. I quit praying, and I stopped wanting to go to church. God seemed so cold to me at that point that I wanted nothing to do with him. I told myself that I would spend a little time away from God and see how things went. I didn’t really need Him to get pregnant because as I looked around so many others were seemingly getting pregnant without God.
My husband and I spent on a vacation to the beautiful island of Barbados a couple of months after the pregnancy ended. While sitting on the balcony of our hotel room listening to the beach, a thought came to me. I now believe that voice was the Holy Spirit. It said, “Grace, what if you never get pregnant?” Never get pregnant? Me never be a mom? Oh my gosh, no I couldn’t handle that. I would be miserable. I’ve been waiting on the day I would become a mother for years. I didn’t know how I could keep living like that.
Let me back up for you. I’ve always lived my life for the future. I’ve never really lived in the moment. While in high school, I couldn’t wait to get away from home and be on my own. While in the dorms, I couldn’t wait until I could get my own apartment. Once I got my own apartment, I couldn’t wait to be done with school. When I started working, I couldn’t wait to buy my own home. When I bought my own home, I couldn’t wait to be married. When I got married, I couldn’t wait to have children. Do you see it? Always living in the future, but never truly enjoying the moment.
So, as I sat on that balcony listening to those soothing waves, I thought about how my life would be miserable without a baby because I would be in this constant state of anticipation waiting for that pregnancy test to become positive again. And that’s when I decided that I would need to learn how to be content with exactly where I am. I had never lived my life like that. I wasn’t sure I even knew how to live like that. So that’s where this blog comes in. I want to document my journey as I learn how to be content in all things no matter where I am or how my life is. I know that will only come with a deeper relationship with God, and I have embarked on that journey.
James 4:8 says, “Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you. Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.”
So that settles it and it’s really simple. To develop a closer relationship with God, just come close to Him and He will come close to you. I am so excited about what God is about to do in our lives.
