Faith

It’s been a while since I’ve been written on this blog.  In my last post, I was anxious about the two week wait and I posted a song that helps remind me that He is all I need.  Well, three days after that post I decided to take a home pregnancy test.  I was about to start training for a 5K and the literature says you shouldn’t start an intense workout regimen when you’re pregnant.  This was going to be intense so I decided to test just in case.  I was only 9 days post ovulation and it was the afternoon so I wasn’t too hopeful.  I peed on the stick while my husband chatted with me from the bedroom.  Once I finished in the bathroom, I went to get my workout clothes.  Before I finished, I decided to go take a peek at the test and I saw a faint line.  I ran out and told my husband, “I think it’s positive.”  I had already warned him that it would probably be negative even if I was pregnant because it wasn’t first morning urine (when you supposedly have the highest concentrations of the pregnancy hormone in your system).  He just looked and said, “Okay.”  I felt like he didn’t believe me so I went back in and the line was a little darker. Still faint but darker.  I called him in there and explained to him that a line, no matter how faint or dark it is, means you’re pregnant.  I could tell he was excited but he was a little cautious considering our previous loss and the months after when I thought I was pregnant (got positive pregnancy tests) only to have my period come. 

I took more and more tests and they kept getting darker.  My husband finally started believing and so did I.  We praised God and remained excited about our new addition, coming May 2013.  I found out I was pregnant very early on.  In fact, I was only 3 weeks and 2 days pregnant.  Most people don’t find out until 5 weeks or so.  So we were excited and I kept looking forward to the point where we passed 5 weeks and 1 day pregnant.  You see 5 weeks and 1 day is when I started spotting with my first pregnancy.  The pregnancy that turned out not to be.  So, I felt like if I could get past 5 weeks 1 day, then I had further proof that this was a viable pregnancy.

Guess what happened at 5 weeks 1 day.  That’s right… I started spotting.  I was devastated.  I was at work and I sent my husband a text and I’ll never forget his response.  “Noooooooooooo.”  My heart sank at that text.  While I was the one to witness the spotting, to see his reply helped make it all real for me.  The pain and heartache this would bring.  I then started telling myself okay everything’s okay maybe you’re just one of those women that will spot during pregnancy.  This soothed me for a while and then I went to the bathroom and the spotting had gotten worse.  I was devastated.  I didn’t think I could take another pregnancy loss.  It was too much to handle.  And two times in a row after we had been trying for so long.  This time I didn’t get angry with God.  I turned to Him like I hadn’t before.  I didn’t ask Him to save my baby.  I asked Him to make it okay with me and my husband.  I learned before that we can’t question why God allows certain things to happen.  We will just drive ourselves mad coming up with excuses that may or may not be the real reason.  So I didn’t want to pray for something God wasn’t going to allow to happen.

So this time I had faith, but I had a different kind of faith.  I had faith that God would get us through this.  I prayed for strength and I accepted that the pregnancy was not the blessing God had for us.  It sounds like I was not being a good Christian.  Shouldn’t I be praying that God save our baby?  Shouldn’t I be praying that our baby is in there doing just fine?  I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I couldn’t get my hopes up again only to have them dashed at the ultrasound.  I could only trust that He would get us through it.

I went to the doctor and had blood work performed.  My levels were no longer doubling and were pretty close to the same numbers they were during my first pregnancy.  This further helped me to cope with the fact that this was not going to work out.  I went on with life waiting for my first ultrasound.  The spotting got worse and then tapered off.  It was minimal by the time my ultrasound date rolled around.

At 7 weeks and 1 day, exactly two weeks after the spotting started, I laid down on the ultrasound table preparing myself for the moment when the ultrasound technician looked at me and said, “I’m sorry.”  I waited and she rubbed the probe over my belly.  She was quiet.  I tried to peek at the screen, but saw nothing.  I sighed and began to try and deal with things on my own.  I didn’t seek God in a time when I needed Him most.  Then she turned the screen to me, and I remember thinking how cruel is this woman.  Why would she turn this screen to show me an empty womb? 

She said, “Okay, there’s your baby and if you look closely you can see the heartbeat.”  What?!  Heartbeat?  There’s a baby in there?  Oh my gosh.  I can’t believe it.  Actually I don’t believe it.  I looked and sure enough there it was.  I told myself, don’t get too excited plenty of women have seen a heartbeat only to be told later the baby didn’t make it.  She took the heart rate down.  I was expecting something in the 150s but it was only 129.  Uh-oh.  This isn’t good.  Everyone else’s heartbeat was 150s or higher at this point.  There’s something wrong.  I knew not to get my hopes up.  The tech told me it was difficult to see so she would get some better pictures with the transvaginal ultrasound. She did the transvaginal ultrasound and I could see the head and the body very clearly.  At that moment, I felt like things were going to be okay.  She measured the heart rate again and this time it was 146.  I felt much better about that. 

I got pictures and went to the waiting room to my husband.  I showed him the ultrasound and the first thing he said was, “Praise God!”  Praise God is right!  He has given us a precious gift.  We will forever praise Him.

Sometimes I beat myself up about how everything started.  How could I not believe God during the two weeks wait?  How could I not believe God to save our baby?  What kind of Christian am I?  What kind of mother will that make me?  I will not allow those thoughts to consume me.  I believe that sometimes the only faith God wants us to have is the faith that He will make the situation okay with us.  No matter how devastating that situation may be. 

I know the worst of the worrying is not over.  I won’t breathe a sigh of relief until I am holding my baby in my arms, but I also know that time will come with a whole new set of worries.  I know what this will teach me (and I hope someone  else that may be reading this blog).  This will teach me how to have faith in Him through it all.  His Word says that He will never leave us or forsake us, and that is the truth!

All I Need

I am officially in the two week wait, and my spirit is down. I don’t know if I’m subconsciously trying to protect myself from the hurt and pain of another negative pregnancy test. But I am reminded that no matter what the outcome is, God is here for me and He will protect my heart. So, I can have faith and rest assured that God completes me not a baby.

Here’s another song that helps me out when I’m in moods like this.

Envy

Envy, the green eyed monster. You’ve heard of it, and if you’ve been trying to conceive for as long as I have (17 months now) then you may have even felt it. It creeps up every now and then for me to. I would often just push those thoughts into the back of my mind. I didn’t pray about it because I was upset with God for not giving me the very thing I was longing for.

I have a confession to make. Last week at church I looked to the right of me and I noticed a woman walk in with a bunch of children. I felt a tinge of jealousy. I looked back up at the choir, but I couldn’t resist the urge to peek to my right again to see what her husband looked like. I didn’t see him. I looked back up at the choir. I peeked again. This time I looked at her left hand to see if she had a ring. Yes, I did. I’m ashamed to admit it, but I looked at her hand so I could judge her. I wanted to feel better than her because as she walked in with all those children, I felt inadequate. It was a reminder of my inability to conceive. I questioned God. *Eeeek* Can you believe I did that? I asked Him, “Why would you give this woman all these children and she’s not even married. She committing fornication, but you bless her. Why not me? Why not us? Don’t we deserve children, too?”

Then the Holy Spirit spoke to me and said this, “God is not limited in the number of children He can bring into this world. What do God’s blessings for this woman have to do with you?” I was immediately convicted. I judged this woman because I was envious of the children I assumed she had. I don’t know if those were even her children, what if she was married but didn’t wear a ring, what if they were adopted, what if they were foster children, what if she was married and the father passed away. How dare I judge that young woman. And so what if it was fornication exactly as I thought? I have sinned as well. Does that mean I’m not worthy of having children? Absolutely not, God has given us grace despite of who we are, and children are blessings from the Lord. I should be rejoicing with this woman for the blessings she had with her.

I repented and after feeling like a horrible Christian, I remembered that God has forgiven me, and His mercy has made me new. After all was said and done, I was comforted by those words the Holy Spirit spoke to me. “God is not limited in the number of children He can bring into this world.” Just because He has blessed someone else with a child, doesn’t mean He won’t bless me. He didn’t take my child and give it to someone else. He simply blessed them first. I was comforted by that, and at that point I really felt like I had conquered that green-eyed monster.

That is, until I went on the message board. *sigh* Everything was going great. My body was getting back on track, and I was enjoying my time on the message board. Then I saw a post, of a woman that had been trying to conceive for as long as I had. I remember her posts from when I first joined. And you guessed it… she was pregnant. Not only was she pregnant, but her betas were increasing and she heard the heart beat. The enviousness rose up quickly, and I quickly moved the cursor to close the thread. And then I was reminded of those Words the Holy Spirit spoke to me, “God is not limited in the number of children He can bring into this world”. Her blessing did not hinder mine. So, I rejoiced with my sister because God heard her cry and He answered her prayer. This was awesome for her. She had suffered loss like I did. She kept the faith and God answered her prayer. What an awesome testimony! I got out of myself and rejoiced for her and I used her story as a current day example of the awesomeness of God.

I realize now that while I may have to squash those feelings of enviousness from time to time; I can find hope in their stories and rejoice with them. God is still answering prayer right now, and I know that soon this will all be a part of my testimony as I watch my children grow up before my eyes.

Alwayness of God

Today I started my period.  I thought I was okay until I browsed Pinterest and saw a picture of a woman holding a baby.  I broke down.  It hurts, but I know it’s just not our time.  His timing is perfect, and I respect it. 

No matter how many times I face disappointment (lately it seems to be every 27 days), God is always there to comfort me.  I was reminded of a beautiful Yolanda Adam song called “Alwaysness” that brought me so much peace.  I’ve linked it below.  I hope it can bring anyone reading this peace.

Contentment

Dictionary.com defines contentment as the state of being satisfied with what one is or has; not wanting more or anything else.  Another dictionary defines contentment as accepting one’s situation or life with equanimity and satisfaction.  When I wrote my last blog post, I was satisfied.  I was happy with where I was in life.  I had a wonderful husband, great family, good friends, and an awesome God.  I also wasn’t fertile.  Things were fine and I started studying my Bible and really trying to grow closer to God.  Then I hit the two week wait.  For those of you that aren’t familiar with Trying to Conceive lingo, the two week wait refers to that time between when you ovulate and when you either find out you’re pregnant or you get your period.

As soon as I hit the two week wait of that cycle, I got really anxious.  I wanted to finally be pregnant (for real this time).  I wanted all the waiting to be over and the questions about whether God was really hearing my cries to be answered with a resounding YES!  As I reflected on my feelings I realized something.  I wasn’t really content.  If I was truly content, the two week wait would not be so stressful for me.  I struggled with how to reconcile my desire to have children with my desire to be content with the place God put me.  If I’m really content, then why am I begging God for a child?  If I’m really content, then why are my thoughts consumed with trying to conceive.  It was a true struggle.  I talked to my husband, I reached out to my message board buddies, I asked God about it, but I never felt satisfied with the responses I received.  My two week wait ended with a period.  And as we started the cycle fresh, I resolved that this would be our month.  I just needed to have enough faith.  When I got a positive result on my ovulation predictor kit, I cried (literally cried) out to the Lord and asked Him to hear us and give us a child.  I was still consumed with thoughts of trying to conceive.  That two week wait ended with more disappointment.  Now as my body prepares to ovulate for this cycle, I came across a book from Priscilla Shirer called The Resolution for Women.  One of the resolutions revolved around contentment so I decided to revisit this place.

My dilemma remains the same.  How do I experience true contentment while at the same time praying for God to give me something I don’t have?  If I’m truly content, then why would I even be asking for more?  I decided to look into this word contentment a little further.  Forget what Webster’s dictionary says about it, what does the Word of God say about it.  So, I searched for the word content in the Bible.  Philippians 4:11 was the first place I found some relevance.

In Philippians 4:11 Paul states, “Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewithin to be content.”  The amplified version says it like this, “Not that I am implying that I was in any personal want, for I have learned how to be content (satisfied to the point where I am not disturbed or disquieted) in whatever state I am in.”  That’s an amazing place to be, huh?  Not disturbed or disquieted.  Sounds like peace to me.  It reminded me of Philippians 4:7 which says, “And God’s peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  That’s my goal.  That’s where I am trying to get.  But I still have the same question, if I’m really undisturbed, then why am I asking for more.

I always like to read a verse in its proper context.  So I decided to read Philippians 4 in its entirety.  Then I came upon the most amazing verse that truly spoke to my situation.  Isn’t awesome how God can lead you to exactly what you’re looking for.  Let me remind you again of my conundrum.  How do I experience true contentment while also asking God for more?  The answer was right in Philippians 4.  Verse 6 says, “Do not fret or have any anxiety about anything, but in every circumstance and in everything, by prayer and petition (definite requests), with thanksgiving, continue to make your wants know to God.”  There it is, clear as day!  You show contentment with thanksgiving for what you already have.  The Bible directs us to make our requests known so it’s okay to ask, but we must have thanksgiving in our hearts and not be anxious for the future.  So there it is.  I have to make the choice to be happy with where I am right now while asking God for a child.  Then I must have faith that He will grant me the petitions of my heart.  If I have faith, then that takes care of the anxiousness.  No need to be anxious if you know God is going to do it.

I love how God just leads us to our answers.  We just have to ask.  I wish it wouldn’t have taken me so long to ask, but I’ve asked and He has shown me the answer.  Thank you Lord!

Why I'm Here

To make a long story short, I grew up going to church.  It wasn’t always willingly but I was there.  I made Jesus my Lord and savior at an early age, and I faked things for several years.  I didn’t feel close to God but I knew all the right things to say.  I graduated college, got a job, and got married.  Everything was was moving along until we had problems getting pregnant.  After several tests, one minor surgery, and 11 months of trying to conceive we became pregnant.  I truly believed God for that baby.  I stood on Exodus 23:26; and was confident that the pregnancy would continue for nine months, and in November of 2012, I would be holding my bundle of you.

The pregnancy failed at just shy of 10 weeks.  I was depressed.  I was angry with God, and I began to loose faith in Him.  Since I couldn’t understand how a God who supposedly love us could allow something like that to happen after I faithfully prayed for it every day, I quit talking to God.  I quit praying, and I stopped wanting to go to church.  God seemed so cold to me at that point that I wanted nothing to do with him.  I told myself that I would spend a little time away from God and see how things went.  I didn’t really need Him to get pregnant because as I looked around so many others were seemingly getting pregnant without God.

My husband and I spent on a vacation to the beautiful island of Barbados a couple of months after the pregnancy ended.  While sitting on the balcony of our hotel room listening to the beach, a thought came to me.  I now believe that voice was the Holy Spirit.  It said, “Grace, what if you never get pregnant?”  Never get pregnant?  Me never be a mom?  Oh my gosh, no I couldn’t handle that.  I would be miserable.  I’ve been waiting on the day I would become a mother for years.  I didn’t know how I could keep living like that.

Let me back up for you.  I’ve always lived my life for the future.  I’ve never really lived in the moment.  While in high school, I couldn’t wait to get away from home and be on my own.  While in the dorms, I couldn’t wait until I could get my own apartment.  Once I got my own apartment, I couldn’t wait to be done with school.  When I started working, I couldn’t wait to buy my own home.  When I bought my own home, I couldn’t wait to be married.  When I got married, I couldn’t wait to have children.  Do you see it?  Always living in the future, but never truly enjoying the moment.

So, as I sat on that balcony listening to those soothing waves, I thought about how my life would be miserable without a baby because I would be in this constant state of anticipation waiting for that pregnancy test to become positive again.  And that’s when I decided that I would need to learn how to be content with exactly where I am.  I had never lived my life like that.  I wasn’t sure I even knew how to live like that.  So that’s where this blog comes in.  I want to document my journey as I learn how to be content in all things no matter where I am or how my life is.  I know that will only come with a deeper relationship with God, and I have embarked on that journey.

James 4:8 says, “Draw nigh to God, and He will draw nigh to you.  Cleanse your hands, ye sinners; and purify your hearts, ye double minded.”

So that settles it and it’s really simple.  To develop a closer relationship with God, just come close to Him and He will come close to you.  I am so excited about what God is about to do in our lives.